Certified analysis of drinking-fountain evasion physics. Every attempt is official. Every attempt ends exactly the same way.
The Bureau of Hydration Evasion exists to observe, measure, and certify every attempt to drink from this fountain. To date, it has never once succeeded.
Every attempt generates its own Case Number, its own Clearance From Mouth reading, its own Trajectory Correction measurement, and its own permanent entry in the Bureau's identical, ever-growing archive of narrowly avoided hydration.
The mouth may be placed anywhere on the face — cheek, chin, dead center — before the fountain is activated. The water is dispatched, reconsiders mid-flight, and lands somewhere else. Every single time.
Trajectory Correction is measured, logged, and certified to the tenth of a degree. It has never once been anything but nonzero.
The Bureau reports a Hydration Success Rate of 0%, a figure that has never risen above 0% and, by policy, never will.
No attempt has ever resulted in contact with the mouth. The Bureau considers this consistency, not a malfunction.
The fountain may be activated again, as many times as desired, from any mouth position desired. The Bureau will apply exactly the same physics, at exactly the same confidence, to every attempt.
The Evasive Water Fountain is provided for entertainment purposes only. No fountains, faces, or laws of fluid dynamics were meaningfully respected during the certifying of any attempt.